I know you, you are thinking, “Sure, I can write a blog. Everyone is doing it.” You think, “Yeah, I have something to say. I think I will write it, and put it out into the universe.”

So, you start a blog. You come up with a thoughtful, yet witty (albeit over played) title. You share it on Facebook. You feel pretty good about yourself because you are being all “vulnerable” and “introspective” and “authentic”, like all those cool millennials you’ve read about. You are feeling brave and strong because you are saying things you never thought you would say. You are even friends with your lap top, something that no one who has seen you with technology dreamt was possible. Things are going well.

You start to get more positive comments than negative, more hopeful emails than hateful, more understanding readers than angry. Soon, you are celebrating having 500 views on your post in one day! Remember, that’s a lot when you are still some low-budget, side-job but not getting paid, just sharing it on Facebook- where most of your friends don’t want to read about you leaving the church they love, wannabe blogger anyway. So, 500 seems super rad! Self Five! (That’s me, giving myself a high five, like I learned from Barney Stinson. It’s what you do when no one is around, or no one wants to give you a high five even though you feel you are totally deserving of one. Just take care of yourself, Self Five!) You are starting to think you might seriously know how to blog.

So, you sign a few autographs, pose for pictures with your 500 fans, kiss a few babies, and sit down with your laptop to write for the following week. What could go wrong?

Then you do it.  You make the fatal writer’s mistake, that you didn’t know existed. (Because you didn’t read anyone else’s blogs before you started your own, and you didn’t think far enough ahead to get to this place, with a magnificent 500 person viewership, and you were basically clueless about a lot of the painful healing process that comes with being a writer.) You accidentally write about something that really hurts. Of course, you thought you had processed all of this crap already. Isn’t that why you bought self-help books, started meditating, talked to your therapist, and decided you were strong enough to start this blog in the first place?

But you didn’t know about triggers. No one warned you that someday you might write something that would trigger pain. (And if they did, you weren’t listening because you were too busy writing, duh.) You didn’t know that you could write something that would cause you to panic, shut down, feel isolated and depressed. You were so clueless, you didn’t even know there was a self-destruct button hidden deep, just waiting to detonate. (Which is actually your own darn fault, you have watched enough Phineas and Ferb to know that there is always a self-destruct button!) You thought you had this all figured out, didn’t you? You thought you could write a blog.

Guess what? It isn’t as easy as you thought.

 

I am sorry I stood you guys up last week, when I didn’t post anything on my blog. Next week, I will try to share the post that was my blogging-self-destruct button. (Barring any other unforeseen breakdowns.) Don’t worry, it wasn’t some traumatic memory, or some bottled up secret from my past. It was something that I have talked about often, that I thought was a safe topic to write about. I had no idea it would devastate me the way it did. One minute I was writing, the next I was overwhelmed and angry. For some reason, I just couldn’t share it. I am not trying to be some “cliff hanger blogger” or even worse “the annoyingly vague Facebook friend” writing things like “Well, that doctor’s appointment when different than expected….” (Why? Why do they post things like that?!) I am just trying to explain why I took a little break from my blog, and how “triggers” are real.

I know it is hard for some members of the church to understand why a loved one won’t come listen to them speak at church, or why they aren’t sitting outside the temple waiting for the bride to come out, or why it seems like they don’t want to hear about the new calling in the Primary Presidency. They aren’t being jerks. They haven’t “changed” or become selfish people. They aren’t being anti-Mormon. (All things I have heard said about people who don’t seem to be “supporting” their Mormon friends or family.) They are protecting that well-hidden self-destruct button. They are trying to listen to their heart, the broken one that has been through a lot the last few months or years. They are trying to avoid a situation that could trigger some extremely painful feelings. They really do love you, active members of the church. They want to support you in a million other ways, that don’t have to include a building with a sign that says, “Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.” They have taken your feelings into consideration more than you know, fearing the disappointment they think you will feel, fearing rejection and loss, and hoping that after some time things will be different. They are smart enough to see a “trigger,” (something that will stir up the hurt, anger, or pain that they have finally overcome) and know when to avoid it. Or in my case, when it’s healthy to post it.

Wait, what? You didn’t even notice that I missed two Mondays in a row? What kind of an enormous 500 person viewership are you? Oh, the kind that has their own life and plenty of other blogs to read, yeah, I get that. No biggie.

Stay tuned for next week, when the saga continues….

(Just kidding, no more vague posts)

A woman posts a blog about a triggering experience. See what happens next…

(I just can’t help myself!! Self Five!)