I feel like there is a little frame work I should set up before we get started. Just so we can all start out on the same page. So, let’s start with the most offensive phrase in the English language “No offense…”. What about “Don’t take it personally”, is that any better? No, same affect?

Even just hearing the phrase “Don’t take is personally” makes me want to take whatever is said next very personally.  I can’t help it! And it doesn’t help that I already think everything is about me, so of course it must be personal.  But it doesn’t have to be.

As I have said before, it is not easy to leave the church. But I also recognize it is not easy to watch someone leave the church. I know that it is difficult for the family and friends to see their loved ones walk away. It can be heart breaking, I remember how it feels.

If you are raised in the church, it is part of your identity, long before you even know you have an identity. We sing songs like “I hope they call me on a mission” and “I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints” and “I am a child of God”.  We grow up knowing that Sundays are just for church, even if you see your neighbors playing outside.  We have pictures of the Temple in our homes, and an expectation that we will be married there (long before we even think about getting married- this was a hard one for my son even as a 6-year-old).  We pay tithing on our allowance, we wake up early to go to Seminary, and laugh at inside jokes about dating at BYU.  Being Mormon is also just being alive. As a child, there is no separation.

For many members of the church, myself included, it becomes your life. You plan on serving a mission, where you dedicate years of your life to converting others. While on your mission you eat, sleep, and drink the religion. Then you hope to get into a church school, and if not, you attend Institute and Young Adult activities in your area so that you can marry a fellow latter day saint. After a while, you may find that you mostly have things in common with other Mormons. Your ward becomes your family, and fulfills your social and spiritual needs. You no longer have time for as many things that aren’t related to church. You start to see yourself as worthy and good, based on things like your Temple Recommend or your calling. You may also see yourself as weak, unworthy, or unlovable based on your failings in the church.  Soon, how you feel about yourself, your family, and even your success in life, may be connected to your ability to believe and live your religion. And eventually Mormonism isn’t just something you believe, it is something you are.

Then a friend begins to question the things they have thought were true their whole life. They begin to notice things that bother them, that leave them uneasy and unhappy.  They realize that maybe the church is not what they thought it was. Or maybe they don’t agree with the things being taught. They may even completely hate some of the doctrine and the culture.  And they may decide that they don’t want to participate in the church. Chances are, facing those doubts is terrifying for them. They may decide that it is too painful to try to stay active when it goes against their conscience and their new beliefs. They may leave the church.

The hard thing now, for the person who still loves the church and all it teaches, is to be able to accept the choices and changes in this friend.  For your whole life there has been no separation between you and your religion. You are one and the same.  You see them reject the church and you may feel like they are rejecting you. Not just as something you believe, we all have people who disagree with us from time to time. No, it feels like a rejection of who you are.  They are rejecting your faith, your happiness, your decisions, your life.  You may even feel attacked, even though no one is attacking you. I know, they may be attacking something that you believe in, but they are not attacking you.

I have been on both sides of this scenario. I remember feeling threatened and sad when someone I cared about left the church. Like it was a statement against me. (And remember? I think everything is about me.) I felt the need to strengthen my defenses and double down on what I knew. I worried about their salvation, and struggled to understand their new choices. I sometimes felt like I was being mocked by their leaving. (Truth be told, some may be mocking you, but again, that is a statement about them- not you. And those that are mocking you aren’t the ones we are talking about here. The ones that have been your friends and who love you will always love you.) I felt insecure and attacked, because I couldn’t see where I ended and the church began. To leave the church was to leave me.

But when I decided to leave it had nothing to do with you.  It was not a reflection of how I feel about you. It is not a statement on who you are. It doesn’t have to change our relationship. If anything, now that I have left, and found more peace and happiness, we might be able to have a stronger relationship.  It is kind of like how I love Thai food, and you hate it.  Thai food is what you hate, not me. Just because I love Thai food, and can rave about curry and phad thai all day long doesn’t make me Thai food. So, you can still love me. And we can choose to eat at different restaurants. Then, when we get together we can go out for pizza. Because it is something we have both always loved. And in the end, we aren’t there to eat, we are there to be together.

Many of my relationships have been strengthened in the time since I left the church. It has been extremely fulfilling for me.  Most of those relationships have been enhanced by the basic principles of love and acceptance. Through listening, understanding, asking questions, and patience. I have also lost people that I loved because of leaving the church. And that is sad. But either way, I hope that the people I love know that I don’t see them as their religion. I see them for who they are, and that’s why I love them. And I hope they can do the same. That’s why I sincerely hope that while I share my story, we can all feel loved, accepted and not take it personally.